An apple a day... isn't as nice as a Mars bar a day

Date: 06th February 2011. Noticeable Events: mum has replaced the batteries in the bathroom scales. Consequences: Oh. My. God.


So I haven't weighed myself in about a year, and it seems I may have put on a little weight. How much weight...? Just over a stone! But how? And how did I not notice??

Ok, so maybe I have been in denial. I should have realised I was getting a bit heftier after last week when I saw my best friend for the first time in four months, who immediately pointed out my new love-handles (which were squeezing over the top of a pair of leggings that admittedly, I had to force over my thighs). And that day at work when one of my collegues commented on my 'second chin'. And I suppose I had dismissed the fact that my boyfriend had started calling me 'our big lass'. Bloody hell, what has happened!

Actually I guess know what has caused me to be in denial.... because putting on weight only means one thing: Time For Exercise. At 22 years of age I can safely say the last time I did any real exercise was when I was 16, and it was my last compulsory PE lesson at school. I remember it well. We were playing rounders, the typical non-eventful game of attempting to hit a ball with a bat then running around 4 wooden posts, whilst the opposing team tried to 'get you out' (usually by hurling the ball at you). It was traumatic. So on that occassion, me and my friend Alice had hidden at the over side of a grass bank, lying flat on our stomachs, crouched down so nobody spotted us. We'd had enough wheezing and spluttering, and chasing balls. Needless to say, I can't remember exercising again after that. There was the token 'run' I occasionally went for. Well, that only happened 3 times. The first time, I fainted. The second time I had a massive stitch and had to limp home. The third time I took my friend with me, and after about 3 minutes we decided we'd had enough, and went home for a Chinese take-away. So exercise and me have never really been good friends. Or even casual acquaintences.

As for food. Well, I like food. All food. Any food. Over the last 6 months I guess bi-weekly take-aways and Full English Brekfasts every Sunday have been a big part of my life. As have the numerous Terry's Chocolate Oranges with Popping Candy, cookies, sausage casseroles, huge portions of butter, and family sized bags of crisps. And I also suppose that three years of university-related binge drinking may have taken their toll. So what is to be done?

Well on Sunday I had the bright idea that this running thing may work, despite numerous failed attempts. So after a few pints of cider and black at the pub, my boyfriend and I made our way home for dinner. Just as he started getting the chicken out of the fridge, I let him in on my plan. "You do that, I'm off running." The look of utmost amusement and disbelief on his face said it all. I think the fact that I was pretty tipsy and a bit slurred overlooked both of us. His respose: "This I've gotta see." Great so now I had an audience. After twenty three minutes of looking for my trainers (which were buried deep under my bed after years of neglect), and several outfits changes (it turns out jeans and a 'nice top' are unnacceptable running attire) I was ready. Oh, but what about stretching? I'd seen people do it on TV, it looked simple enough. And I thought I had the right idea until Josh turned around and asked me if I was 'squatting for a poo' in the middle of the bedroom. So that was a fail then.

Finally, we made it out the door. Naturally, Josh was coming to observe this rare event, and probably re-tell the story to everyone later, when I was in hospital with a collapsed lung or something. And off we went. Fifteen minutes later we were home, after running round the block once, with three v-e-r-y long stops. I was bright red in the face, sweating profusely, and unable to speak. Horrific. Totally unpleasant and unnecessary. Never again. However, delighted that I had managed to do some exericse, I trotted up to the bathroom to see how much weight I'd lost. Mortifying result. It seemed I had put two pounds on after running! I decided it was surely because I was wearing heavy clothes, and sweat was weighing me down, and my lungs were filled with oxgen. So I propmtly stripped off every item of clothing on my body, wiped the sweat off using several towels, and took a large breath out. No change. The horror of it all of course drew me to the consumption of 'a few' Cadbury's Creme Eggs. Damnit all.

After all this distress, my boyfriend is still refering to me as Miss McJowls, and I can't fit into my favourite dress! So the result it that one must attempt this exercise thing some more, cut out the junk food (working in an Italian restaurant where I get free pizzas may not help), and GET FIT! Or at least swap my duck in plum sauce with egg fried rice for the lighter chicken in lemon with boiled rice. Eurghhh. Watch this space...

SPONSOR MEEEE

A few years ago I had the most disturbing phone call ever from my mother....

She had decided to throw my younger brother out of a plane to raise money for the local charity she runs, and had decided I should go down with him. Scarborough Shopmobility is a registered charity that provides the hire of powered scooters and manual wheelchairs to people whose mobility is restricted by permanent or temporary disablement, age, accident or illness. My brother and I had both worked there during our summer holidays whilst we were home from uni, and she thought the publicity that would accompany our death-trap sponsorship event would be excellent. The headline would read something along the lines of "Mother throws children out of a plane for charity." Clearly, I was thrilled about this. So immediately I went about gathering sponsorship and harassing everyone I knew, with extreme bribery in some case, in order to raise enough money to make it worth while.

The choice of events were 10,000 feet tandem jump or 3,000 feet static line jump. I naturally chose the tandem jump, knowing full well that the only way to get me out of that plane would be if I was attached to someone else who had intentions of throwing themselves out of a plane. Doing it solo was just not feasible.

This was in my second year of uni, and I managed to raise a few hundred pound, whilst mentally preparing myself. Typically, a storyline in 'Hollyoaks' around that time was about how someone had a horrific, gory, unnatural death whilst doing a skydive, when someone cut her cord. I knew this was likely to haunt my dreams...

Sadly though, the airfiend that we had organised to complete the sponsored leap of death burnt down over the summer (!!!!). Personally, I saw this as fate, it just wasn't meant to be. Nevertheless I still had horrendous dreams featuring my plane-related death for several months.

This summer, I finished uni and began working full time at Scarborough Shopmobility, trying to save up money to go travelling later this year. And the dreaded skydive has reared is high-altitude head once again. It would appear that the airfield has in fact being re-opened, and is now in excellent working condition.... and of course me throwing myself from a plane there is now back on the cards.

So. The harrassment of everyone I have ever known is continuing. I have, in the last hour, spammed all 397 of my Facebook friends requesting generous sponsorship, created a webpage dedicated to it, and organised a sponsorship collection site to take care of the money. Now we wait. Whilst increasing mission GIVE ME YOUR MONEY.

I fear it won't be long before most of my Facebook contacts have deleted me and are slandering me throughout Scarborough for trying to drain them of every penny. I may even experience abuse, or restraining orders, but one must continue!

I have approximately 200 days to gain around £2000. Do-able? I think so! Oh and also, I have kind of roped my boyfriend into it as well, he is currently at work and does not know, so I think it will be a relatively lovely surprise for him tonight when he gets home.

So........... if you're feeling generous, and would like to donate to a worthy cause, please visit www.sponsor-me.org/ashleighandjoshjump 


And donate generously! Thank Youuuuuuuuuu x

Scarborough Shopmobility's website is: http://www.scarboroughshopmobility.co.uk/